Almost exactly one year ago (a little more than now), I decided to move to Tanzania.

I can remember the anticipation and anxiety, my thoughts moving at the speed of light as I thought through this decision. I recently came across a journal entry from that season where I wrote:

“Stuck.
Cemented in place.
In a never-ending whirlpool.
The whipping winds of a cyclone, the tormenting waves of a tsunami.
but suddenly, without warning – deafening silence in the eye of a hurricane.
Momentary relief in a sea of chaos.
But it is not peaceful; it is stagnant and stale.
Imitation at best.
Because while it may seam calm in the eye, you can only ignore the raging seas for so long.
You can only remain blind to the bending trees and roaring winds if your eyes are shut.
One blink, one breath, sends you right back to reality.
To the tormenting waves, never-ending cycle of fear and doubt as you stand.
Cemented in place.
Stuck.”

I tried making the most significant life decision in my own strength. But like yesterday, I also remember the instantaneous peace I felt when I finally let go of control and listened to God’s calling.

Sitting on Kome Island, I had no agenda, only to visit and observe as the school year started. When the kids and teachers returned home each afternoon, I had so much time to sit in the silence of the peaceful island and pray through all the Lord was laying on my heart. One afternoon, I was reading my Bible, and a verse stood out like never before.

“Just as each one has received a gift, use it to serve others, as good stewards of the varied grace of God. ¹¹ If anyone speaks, let it be as one who speaks God’s words; if anyone serves, let it be from the strength God provides, so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.”
1 Peter 4:10-11

As I read this passage repeatedly, I thought specifically about serving in the strength God provides. Do I rely on Him, or am I trying to do everything and make every decision in my strength? God opened my eyes to how I allowed my shortfalls and insecurities to dictate the paths I considered and how I prayed about my future.

I remember pausing at that moment and telling God, “If this is what you want for me, then take away every fear.” I didn’t have the time to finish typing and hit send before he gave me his reply.

The sudden, overwhelming, all-consuming peace was all the confirmation I needed. God wanted me in Tanzania. When? For how long? For what purpose? All those answers would come later. At that moment, I knew His plans were more significant than mine.

My job now? Trust.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.”
Proverbs 4:5-6

Trust has never come easy for me. I’m sure many people could say the same. My default is to doubt. To ask questions and look for reasons to believe trust is merited. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, for much of my life, I lived by the phrase, “Trust is earned, not given.” I still do from time to time.

But God asks us to do just the opposite of what comes naturally.

Wait.
Listen.
Trust.
Follow.

This year, I hope to continue learning as I seek to follow the leader, for it is in following that we find true freedom.